i thought it would be easier to meet guys here. i do, but none really excite me, and i think that’s part of the reason i just fall back into my old traps, as it were…

why

why did i let him come over last night (er, why did I ask him to come over), sit with him on my bed, put my arm around him, fill in a crossword and then kiss him, and let him kiss me back? why did i let him–want him to–stay over? and why did i have sex with him?

i missed him. i did. i don’t feel bad about it; i feel good that he was here. it’s probably post-coital; rationally I should regret this. He’s not mine! He’s here because his other one is temporarily gone! But all I can think of is how good it felt to be with him, to look at him, and to know he liked me.

So what now, bucko? How much longer we going to go down this path? It was hard not seeing him for nearly two weeks–13 days. But it wasn’t bad until he started badgering to see me again. I didn’t mind the not seeing him; it was the fact that I had to turn him down when he wanted to see me that hurt.  That’s why I got into a screaming fight with him twice on the phone this weekend–before he’d come over. I called him angry, I yelled at him for leaving me. And then he eventually–when I’d calmed down–explained (or said; explained denotes that it was definitely the truth, which one never knows) that he’d only liked one other person as much as I, and that it scared him to know that I’d ended it with him once and  might do it again. It was a defense mechanism, then, breaking up with me (even though I’d done that–beginning a ‘dating’ relationship–in the hopes that I would then be able to get over him). I sound like a manipulative person. But he is too. I mean, come on–he doesn’t see me for two weeks (and then blames me for only wanting to see him during those weeks when I was drunk, which was true, but he wouldn’t have wanted to when fucking boy was here) and then he expects me to just show up back in his arms. Temporarily. Until He returns.

And He will. Boy has said as much; he even talked about all of us being at the same gathering together, which I don’t  really want to happen, nor do I expect it to.

So do I try to get over him now? And be just friends, as he asked me to be–”I’m not asking you to go back to the way thing were”– or do I have to end it?  Ughghhghghg.

Thoughts:

People put down others to feel better about themselves.

I was with him because that’s what I’m used to in people who love me–intense criticism.

He wants to see me. I’m holding out, and though part of me wants to return to be his friend (which we’ve tried, and failed at, before).

The reality, of course, is that he is simply lonely, and, let’s face it, I’m a good person to be around. I’m smart and nice and.. yeah. But I’m not going back to being a friend to someone who has said he hates me; who’s called me names to my face and worse not to my face; and who is an all-around mean person.

Sorry, bud.

how do I explain this?

I was going to go shopping with a friend. I called him up, he seemed happy, and everything was good.

Then, he calls, and asks what I’m doing. I tell him. He asks if I want him to come. I do, I say.  But why? Why do I choose him over my other friend? I know him better, for sure; but he’s certainly not nicer. The whole ride there, he was criticizing me–stop driving so close to the next car; you’re so indecisive about things; your best friend is going to amount to nothing in life. I would point it out sometimes, and he’d say, Aww, and lean over and feign a hug.

I realize that I often surround myself with people who berate me over my decisions, who second guess me to no end. I do this to myself–second guess, that is–far too often, and so it is perhaps inevitable that I both allow the people around me to do so and actively seek out those who do. Sure, an acquaintance can insult me at a party and I can write him off instantly, but for those I really care about, or think I care about, I let them do it. He’ll make fun of me being too serious; agree with others about how I have a negative attitude. I don’t know… if someone you liked had a negative attitude around you, wouldn’t you try to ask them what was wrong instead of just mocking them for being that way?

I guess I’m thankful he hasn’t written me off yet. But when we wake up and go in the mornings, he’s back to the ignoring–he barely glances at me, gives me a cursory hug, and goodbye. I feel bad, and I promise myself I won’t enable him; that I won’t let him insult me on the phone, make fun of me for going out with friends, and then apologize and ask me to go over so he’s not alone. I’ve spent months trying to end this thing; countless minutes agonizing over him. He’s not going to get better any time soon, man. What’s stopping you?

The fear of being alone, of course. Of course.

and then he calls!

and even though he mentions the fact we aren’t together, i wish we were.

i feel horrible now. i quit my job but don’t know what i’m doing next. i might actually leave here and go someplace else for a low-paying job that’s more in line with what i think i want to do in the future, even though where I actually want to be is here. (Sorry–this whole anonymity thing makes for a less-than-concrete writing style.)

And, to be honest, escaping him is a consideration. What does that say about me, that I’d need to fly halfway across the country just to forget about someone I KNOW isn’t right for me?

I saw him again two nights ago. It was the same. We lay there and he said, ”Talk to me.” I wanted it to happen; I told him I still liked him, that it made me jealous when he was with others. He said he was jealous when I was too. (But, I said, I don’t have sex with them. No response.)  ”If we were dating, then I wouldn’t be with them,” he said, but I don’t know if I ever believed him. I want it to be true; maybe it is true. Can I just trust no one?????????????????????????? I WANT TO STAY HERE AND BE FINE AND FIND A GOOD JOB AND BE HAPPY.

why can’t i?

i know…

i know, i know…

to answer angloam’s question: nope, i wouldn’t treat someone like this. i don’t think. i know i haven’t been perfect with him. i don’t even know why i keep on seeing him!!!!!!! it is pretty calm, as in non-sexual, now… but who even knows. i don’t. so much is messed up in life now; i don’t know what i want to do, where i want to be, and the question of who i want to be with is just in line with all of those, too.  i feel like i’m not doing anything professionally/academically, and i probably should be.

i might quit today.

well

here’s how messed up i am.

i know we’re not “together”; he has said as much. But he invites me to his house and I go. He calls, and I invite him to my house, and he comes. All the while, I know he’ll be with someone else soon. And yet I also feel like we’re together.

It’s like being in a marriage and knowing your lover is cheating on you. Openly. And not caring about it.

Of course, it’s not quite like that, since we aren’t in a marriage. I’ve never had this sort of relationship before and I don’t particularly want to have it. so…. why can’t I stop?

(He called and left a voicemail one night. I thought he was going to say he would change. He didn’t.)

saw him again, but i am not as torn now. part of me, i think, thinks i am actually with him, and that i just have to adapt to him sleeping around. which is ridiculous; we aren’t together, and i saw that he’d told the other boy that “we should date” and that he misses him, etc. etc…. I have to stop!!!!!!!!! It’s making me sick………….. it really, really is.

I dunno, obviously, the solution is to not see him! But I trudged through half an hour of rain to do so…. and to see him with his former hookup, too… he walked him outside, closing the door, and had sent him a message saying “mwah”… UGH. Why am I doing this to myself?????????????  Seriously.

OK. Ok. Set boundaries; obey them. Maybe there are no good boundaries. That is, the only good boundary would be to permanently stop seeing him.

I am stagnating; I am wasting my life professionally, doing nothing I want to do, I’m not going to end up with him, I don’t think (that last party–the “I don’t think”–is what gets Best Friend riled up.)  I wish it could work. It won’t…………………………………………………………………

but it feels so nice when i’m there.