he is trying to do something. or maybe it’s me wanting him to do something. i emailed him out of the blue to ask how he was. because i miss him, a lot. we emailed back and forth about trivial topics.  and then he mentioned he was sad.  why?  because of the same reason, he said–that it was hard to get over things.

i really just want to go over.  but i know i really should not.

what could i say to him? yeah, it was really hard to get over it when your friend came to visit and you had sex with him, huh? how you joked about it in front of me? is it hard enough for you to get over that you refuse to offer ways *you* can change to make it work?

Why are we attracted to people? Put a character sketch in front of me a year ago and I would’ve probably screamed to think I would be with him, let alone continue to, masochistically, want to return to that.

But then I think: He didn’t actually do anything to me. But there was the violence. And the condescension. And the fights. But he — the real he, the little, innocent, beautiful boy I saw inside that hardened shell — that boy did nothing to me; how could he? He’s perfect.

I think Doctor just ordered up a heavy dose of counseling. Oh, and I suppose I could use a few sessions, too.