i went out and tried to forget about him.
trashiest bar ever ever and i didn’t make out with anyone! it didn’t help that i saw two people there with whom I’d already… ha. but still! this is not promising.
on the way home i called bestfriend and shouted, “I hate him! but i love him, too.” it’s true. i don’t think i’ve felt this way about a boy this deeply before. And what do they say —- you have to love someone to actually hate them? I don’t hate Hitler; I despise his actions, but you can’t hate someone you never knew.
The same sort of relationship happened this summer… And will probably happen again.
A guy is beautiful and I fall for him, only to have him treat me like shit (quote from a text message this summer!) and think he can do whatever he wants, because only he matters. I guess that’s it: I’ve always yearned to help others, and though I often see opportunities slip me by, I genuinely want to be on this Earth to help better things for other people. The guys I date might say they want that, but their personal interactions often belie their protestations of their morality.
(Roommate, I will say, at least doesn’t claim to be a good person. Corporate, rich, stuck-up: these are not pejoratives.)
I woke up and had a flash of realization last night.
It doesn’t really make as much sense now, but it goes something like this: I surround myself with bad people to feel better about myself. If I’m with a shitty guy, at least I can play the martyr; if a guy slaps me, I can turn the other cheek (literally, and get slapped again). So in a way, then, I’m just as guilty as they; I just want to feel good about myself; I’m questing to be the more-noble person, using assholes as my foils in the great game of romance.
How’s that for fucked up?
